Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Randomize
