He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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