im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize