Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
