Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
