so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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