FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
