I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
