god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
