you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
