Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
