Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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