You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
