If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
This is classic penis vs brain.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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