Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
