he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
