We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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