My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
