Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Boobs speak an international language.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
