allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
There's even glitter on my cock...
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