absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
