So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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