My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
