What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
