I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
