I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize