i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
