Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
