It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize