Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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