I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Randomize
