Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
