no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
