turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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