I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Randomize
