he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
