Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
