Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
