just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
