some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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