Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
