I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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