It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The best revenge is premature balding
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
