So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
