You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
