Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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