He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
