I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
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