All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just cropdusted the office
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
