if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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