He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
