just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
