Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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