Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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