there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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