just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
